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	NEWEST QUOTES:

Homer Simpson

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Homer Simpson

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Homer Simpson

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

Homer Simpson

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Homer Simpson

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Homer Simpson

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene'.

Homer Simpson

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Homer Simpson

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Homer Simpson

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

Homer Simpson

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Homer Simpson

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Homer Simpson

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

Homer Simpson

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

Homer Simpson

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Homer Simpson

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Homer Simpson

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Homer Simpson

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Insults

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

Male Chauvinist Pigs

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------ Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------------------ Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' ------------------------------------------ How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------ Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------ What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------ I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------ In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------ Oh some men! Being a woman I hope no woman ever falls for someone who believes in the above statements?

Corny

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Insanity

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sayings

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

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