When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

If my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"...

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

God would not have made me this creative if he wanted me to cook and clean.

I'm just a raggady ann living in a Barbie doll world!

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!